# Last night I played a blank tape
at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
# If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
# Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
# I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, 'The whole time.'
# So what's the speed of dark?
# After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
of the water?
# Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
# If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
# I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
# Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
# Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
# Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
# If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
# Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?
# Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?
# How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
# If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
# Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the
battery is dead?
# Why are they called buildings when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
# Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
# Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they
already know that you don't have?
# If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
# What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
# If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
# Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
# When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!
# Do fish get cramps after eating?
# Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
# Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for
# If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
# When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
# Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?
# Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
# Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
# How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
# Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
# Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?
# Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
# Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
# Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
# Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'?
# What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
# Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
# Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
# Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
# Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just
# I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the
self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the
# If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
# Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?